As I rocked a fussing Judah, and waited on Brian to get home so I could go to my appointment, the tears were already forming, and all I could think of was how very tired I was. He walked in, took one look at me, and his shoulders dropped.
"They don't listen to me, it's like I'm not even here...what am I going to do," was all I could get out. I handed him Judah, as I relayed the morning to him. And then I left, leaving him to deal with it. Knowing he would.
As I got in our minivan, the enemy was rejoicing. After all, the tears were actually falling at this point, and I was actually speaking the words of defeat. Motherhood was getting the Best of Me. I felt I had nothing left to Give.
I couldn't correct another child, I couldn't grade another paper, I couldn't hand out another cup of juice, I couldn't change another diaper, I couldn't even manage a smile.
I love being a Mother. I believe with all my Heart, it's what God put me on this Earth to do. My self-made Spiritual Gift.
It's because if I were doing this right...they would all behave. They would do what they were told, when they were told, most times without even being told. If I were doing this right, I would not be correcting the same mis-spelled word for the 4th time, because, once I'd taught them the correct spelling, they would remember it forever and ever. If I were doing this right, not another child would ever need me to get them another drink, and they would magically be able to get one for themselves (without spilling). If I were doing this right, at this point, changing diapers would be a welcomed hobby. And smiling would really be my favorite. And I would NEVER yell.
If I were doing this right.
But that is a lie.
Mothering is hard work. The hardest kind of work. It never ends. And we do not always see our reward for a very long time.
Being tired and overwhelmed and feeling ill-equipped is part of Mothering. But accepting these feelings as OK, is almost as hard as the job itself. I refuse to feel defeated again. I'm praying to God for strength and wisdom and smiles. And He will answer my prayers. Even if it means a few more rough days. Because in His Wisdom, He knows that hard times produce perseverance.
And Mothering takes more perseverance than anyone can muster on their own.
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:3-5